It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
