i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
