I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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