I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
