Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
