you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
