I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
