so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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