I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
