I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
