I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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