he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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