Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
