My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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