The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
