your parents love me but you hate me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
