I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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