I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
