I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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