The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
