I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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