If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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