; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
