I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
