70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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