Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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