I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
You ever have a fart follow you around?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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