Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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