Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
