1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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