The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
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