This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
