I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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