The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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