Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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