god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You made out with two different species that night
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
