Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
