just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
