ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
