you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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