haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
