you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Watching her eat just hurts me
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
