i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
