I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
