wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
