and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
