I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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