Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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