puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
