I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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